Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Well, it's almost been a week since my last blog. I can't sit and type up blogs the way I used to be able to due to pain levels.  It's easier for me to sit on the couch and use my laptop, but probably better posture to use the computer room desktop computer. 

Last week I was feeling a bit down and poured my heart out in my blog.  I felt very exposed after that and had dreams where I was back working at CompUSA again, but had no clothes on either.  Very exposed, very unprotected, very vulnerable.  Sharing a blog is a huge step for me because of how exposed it makes me feel.  I've lost people in my life before, due to blogging.  People made judgments and assumptions about me that just weren't true.  I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself, like I'm trying to convince others that I am worth their time, worth liking, worth knowing, worth anything.  Why should it matter?  Part of me thinks that if a person doesn't like me just as I am, there are thousands of others in this great big world who just might.  But I feel compelled to go chasing after the one person who doesn't.  Why would I even want to waste my time?  Because when someone makes up their mind about me, chances are pretty high that there isn't a damn thing I can do to change it.  I have spent a very long time trying to learn to be OK with me, just as I am, but sometimes I'm not.  There is always room for improvement.  I have a lot of growing to do.  I'm nowhere near being finished growing.  This is my year of changes and it's time for me to let go of anyone who just can't love me or accept me the way I am. 

Family is so important to me.  Right now my family is Jim.  He is the person I share my life with and my every single day with.  But we do not have children.  I think that life had other plans for us and we're happy and blessed in other ways rather than being parents to children.  But there are times I would love to be a part of a big family.  I know God's plan for us at this time is to be Aunt, Uncle, Godparents and Petparents.  I trust God's plan.  But I sometimes miss those family vacations, family weekends, family cookouts.  Summertime is reminding me of all of those times as a child where we are surrounded by people and family.  But because we don't raise our own children, my family is Jim and I am his family.  We have eachother.  Even as a child I would try to join other families.  I tagged along with Suzanne and her family every chance I got.  I was at every birthday party for her, her siblings and her cousins.  I grew up thinking I was one of them and feeling like one of them.  But they are all grown now and I never get to see any of them, the cousins don't even talk to me anymore.  As an adult, I've bonded with a lot of people whom I now consider my family.  Many of them have children and I would love to join them with their family events, family vacations, family cookouts, to watch children play, grow, and to see children doing all of the things I used to do as a child.  But I am not a part of anyone else's family.  Not really, not like that.  Summertime makes me long for that.  I want to go camping with friends and their children.  I want to go to the lake with families, to the beach with families.  Sissie and I talked about going to Destin, FL and I got so excited about the idea of taking a family vacation with her and her family!  Last summer when my sister and her family were in town, she and I got to take the boys places and I was so very happy!  I loved seeing these things through their eyes.  But everyone goes back home and it's just Jim and I.  He's my family and our kids are covered in fur.  I think this is one of the reasons I've longed for a lake house.  That way I can invite my friends and their families to come out and enjoy the weekend.  Then I can be a part of a family vacation since Jim and I don't have our own family.  Sounds silly but one thing I learned growing up in a non traditional family is that families are not always blood related.  When we become adults, we get to choose our families.  I've had a lot of people call me their family in my lifetime, but then when it came time for a "family" event, I wasn't allowed to be there.  But when I call someone my family, I mean that.  I invite them to family events, family reunions, etc.  When I say family I mean it. 

Anyhow...just rambling.

My dear friend Tracey and her daughter Meaghan came out to see me on Thursday. :)  I love my Tracey!  She gets me.  She gets me in a way that a lot of people don't because she knows what it's like to struggle with chronic issues that may keep her feeling isolated and alone.  She and I have a little arrangement:  We include eachother.  We both know what it's like to feel excluded due to our issues, how sometimes people may not even extend an invitation because we may not feel like attending.  I have always included her in anything we have going on, even if she can't make it.  I don't get discouraged if/when she can't make it and I would never stop inviting her, I always invite her no matter what!  I know that she feels the way I do, that even if we may not feel up to it, even if we may not have the money to make the drive or go to the public place or even if we have other plans, we still want to be included and invited.  And when we have to say "no" today, we want the opportunity to say yes tomorrow.  When I was going to go to Arlington to hang out with friends, I was going to invite Tracey.  I invited her to go to my high school reunion last October.  She came and attended, and we had a ton of fun!  I felt safe having Tracey at my side.  I always feel safe, comfortable and at ease if I have a friend with me who accepts me just as I am.  It helps me not have those anxious feelings when I think people may judge me.  With Tracey, it's just comfortable.  I can act stupid, I can say MEATBALLS, I can vent about stupid shit that has me feeling down, I can have a drink and get tipsy and make a fool of myself and laugh, I can pour out my whole heart and life story and she doesn't judge me, ridicule me, make me feel stupid, less than, or childish.  She gets me.  Pure and simple.  She doesn't notice the flaws in my house or my dust bunnies, or my clutter.  She doesn't judge my time spent on the computer during a fibro flare up because she may be spending the same amount of time on hers if it's infusion week or if she's suffering her own symptoms.  We laugh when we're together.  I can be me.  She doesn't give me attitude and then go talk shit behind my back.  She is loyal.  She gets me.  And I get her.  Too bad she's in Arlington.  I'd never feel lonely with Miss Tracey out here!  I think she'd like moving out here, unless she doesn't want to feel lonesome too.  But if we have eachother, then we'll never feel alone. 

After my Tracey time, I feel my battery was recharged and I was pumped up and excited as I approached the weekend.  My confidence was a bit higher and I was ready to be social, connect with people, step outside of my comfort zone and go forward!  But then my poor sweet honey had a migraine on Friday, so we spent Friday evening at home, chilling, trying to get him to feel better.  Saturday he was a little bit better, we bathed the dogs and did our grocery shopping, then sat outside on the back deck that evening to watch the fireflies and have a drink, and just enjoy the summer evening.  The best part of the day during the summertime heat is the evening as the sun is going down.  :)  Sunday brought us 104 degrees.  Jim got out there to do some weed-eating but he got a bit overheated and had to come in early.  It was HOT!  We both felt lousy all day Sunday and I don't know if the heat was making us feel bad, or if we just felt bad and the heat was making us feel worse.  But the weekend came to a close and it was a pretty blah weekend overall.  I'm hoping next weekend will be better. 

So....onto part two.


tarazandra said...

You know, I've got 16 cousins and though we didn't do family trips together, I certainly spent a ton of time with just about all of them. My own kids have none and if they ever get them, at least T will be too old, in a way. And that makes me really sad. For you it's summertime, for me it's the holidays that make me long for a much bigger family.

Tracey Camille Long~Martin said...

This is where friends come in so handy - true friends,more family. I can always relate and understand the feelings behind your blogs. I Love you so much. I wish we lived closer. Blogging is great therapy. Any judgement or ridicule is on that person. It speaks of who you are when you open yourself up. You are perfect and loved right where you stand or sit. Excessive computer usage is not bad. It is how we CHRONIC people escape our pains whether physical or mental. I am sure there are legitimate reasons why people behave as they do but the most common denominator I believe to be ignorance of your feelings and how their actions really have a spillover domino effect. I LOVE YOU, TAKE THAT TO THE BANK!!