Well the week has come to an end and it wasn't that bad! Sister did meet with her surgeon on Wednesday and she sounded really optimistic. Her surgery is scheduled for August 21st at 7:30am mountain time, for those who would like to include her in your prayers. They are going to remove one lobe, the affected lobe of her thyroid, and go from there. If the lobe has full blown papillary cancer, then they will have to go back and remove the whole thyroid. If it is not full blown but instead just pre-cancer (praying for this!!!) then she will be done and need nothing further. If it is full blown papillary cancer, then they may have to inject radioactive iodine for treatment, but no chemo or anything like that.
She also explained to me about all the tendons, nerves, glands in the area that can make the surgery very complicated. All the nerves and muscles that control your swallowing and control the epiglottis need to be watched, and then she mentioned the gland that controls your calcium absorption is in there too. They will keep her overnight to make sure she is absorbing calcium properly. Sister asked the doctor if he's had any problems with this in his patients, and he never has. So she feels really optimistic about that.
I'm still have weird dreams at night, but sleeping deeper. Last night, or should I say this morning I had a very weird one that is kind of spooking me. Sister and I were going to Heaven together, and Gavan was with us. Should I be worried about that? It was a long, drawn out, detailed dream with lots of things to write about. I've had a dream before that Heather was dying. I've had a dream before that something bad happened to Gavan. In this dream, I had an angel or spirit guide named James or Shamus or however you spell that. I thought that was weird. And also an angel or spirit guide named Clarences, not Clarence but Clarences. Weird. He said if you run when you go into the light, you have more energy when you get there. Sister and I were in this room before this hallway, we had to pick a spot on the wall to make our own tunnel, and this screen popped up that was talking about all things spiritual - Mother God, Father God, Angels, and a bunch of other words were scrolling by. Sister was beside me with her screen and she said "I don't know what any of this means though!" I said it's okay, because you're a good person, you do good in life, and you've always done for others." She was standing beside me holding Gavan, and in this dream Gavan was the size he was at six months old. He's two now, so that's not accurate. I remember asking Clarences if we could hold hands and go together. I guess before we did that I woke up.
Oh and to describe Clarences, if you see an older black man who looks like someone from New Orleans with that accent, kind of similar in appearance to the actor Scatman Crothers, a bit of Robert Guillaume, and something else. And spirit guide James/Shamus was a white man with brown hair, light to medium brown hair.
Weeeeiiirrrdd stuff! I hope it was just a dream. Or I like to say my reality is that sister and I grow old together and cross over together as old biddies. Hee!
I'm just trying really hard not to be disturbed by my dream.
Earlier in the dream Jim was mad at me and being mean to me. I dream things like this all the time, and I blame it on my past bad relationships. The past men in my life were unkind to me often, treating me with disrespect daily. Of course Jim has never ever done anything of that type, but he does in my dreams. But this dream was different. He was being mean, but I laid my hand on his heart and said "I know you love me. I know you do, I feel it!" When I laid my hand on his heart, he leaned back and his face was towards the sky as if something came over him. Then he looked at me with love and embraced me. Almost as if he had something else overtaking him, causing his unkindness, but when I 'woke' him up to how he really felt, he was free from feeling negatively towards me.

The night before I had a dream about my Avon customer Pat's late husband Norris. She and I talk about it a lot, she's told me before she's felt him around her. I was at her house Wednesday and we joke that her dog Queenie is psychic, for Queenie always knows when I'm there. She's an old dog, deaf now, rarely leaves Pat's son Kevin's room. But I've gotten to where all I have to do is say in my mind "Queenie, I'm here!" And she'll come running into the room for some lap time. I've been selling to Pat for five years, and Queenie has always been my little friend. She doesn't like people, neither does the pomeranian Princess. But they love me.
Anyhow in my dream Norris said something to Pat, maybe it was a message like he was saying hi or how are you, but I don't remember what he said.
Another important dream I wanted to write down so I won't forget is the one I had last week after Heather told me her news. We were both worried about how Mom would take this news. So that night I had a dream it was Heather's birthday and we were all having a gathering, but this was also when Heather was going to tell Mom her news. More and more people kept showing up, and people kept turning the music up and it was too loud to tell Mom. I was crying, sister was crying, and Mom was crying because she knew something was going on and the news couldn't be good. The family was all sitting around a table, all of us including John and Stacey, Shirley, Jim, Heather, Me, not sure where Heather's family was. But Mom walked over to us and held out her hand, we all reached out and we were a circle touching hands the way you do before a sport. That was symbolic to me, kind of "we are family, we will get through this, we all have eachother and that will never change."

So my week has been a good one, I'm still in a lot of pain due to the tension over worrying about my sister. The weather is hot and supposed to be a hundred, no rain in over a week and no rain in sight. I did finish typing up Mom's story so I'll post that here in a bit. It's long, so I'll wait til this afternoon or evening.

That's about all I have for now, not much else to tell about this week besides Big Brother, lol! But those who watch know that it kind of speaks for itself. I'm rooting for Dick, Danielle, Zach and Jen. But I am sure one of these four will be going home this week. Sucks. LOL.

I'm not really sure where to begin with this one. It's my sister. She has thyroid cancer. I've been waiting to write this blog because I do have some family on myspace who read my blog and I didn't want them to find out this way. But if this is how you find this out, please call me or my Mom or my sister and talk to one of us about this before spreading it all around. It's not the right way to go about announcing something like this, but that is not why I'm here typing up this blog. This blog is about my sister.

My sister is my best friend in the world. She was there when I was born, before I was born probably talking to me through Mom's belly. She'd kiss me in my high chair and once I fell and got a bruise on my face. She doted on me from the very beginning, even if she admitted feeling a little jealous when I first came home. She obviously got over that pretty quickly. I never felt my sister didn't absolutely adore me and everything about me. Even when we bickered during our pre-teen and teen years. I still idolized her and listened to every word she said, soaking up every bit of it like a sponge. I carry her words with me today even. I have always worked hard to be more like her in life, to be more loving, giving, accepting of others, to be so good the way she has always been. To do the right thing in life, to be as angelic. She told me Wednesday that the doctors found abnormal cells when they tested the blood from the hemorrhagic cyst they drained. That cyst continues to fill up and continues to need draining repeatedly. She said the cells came back from the endocrinologist as cancer cells. She said the doctor's assured her that this is the most treatable, curable type of cancer and usually only requires surgery to remove the thyroid or part of it. She only cried to me that first day. And I said to her "It's going to be okay!" And she said, with a tremendous amount of relief in her voice "Okay!" I said "We're going to be old together!" She said "I need to be!"
Dammit we are going to be old together. She's going to raise the boys and then when they marry and have babies, we can spoil her grandchildren together! I told her we're going to go on cruises with eachother and our husbands when we get to our sixties, like our Mom and aunt are doing. She said "You and me babe!" I said "We are so there!" I then said "Maybe by then I'll have overcome my phobia of ships." She said "Yeah and maybe then I'll have overcome my phobia of flying!"
God I love her. I love her so much! I know she must be terrified but we have had several conversations this past week and she sounds so amazingly strong. But that is who she is! She always took care of me, took care of Mom, before taking care of herself. She was always reassuring to us rather than letting us nurture her. She's my big sister, I've leaned on her more times than she's leaned on me. Now it's time for her to lean on me and I'm ready! I'm stepping up and lending my shoulder and everything I can muster up. I've got everyone I know praying, even put her name on the prayer list at church today. She has just got to get through this okay and it will be, it will be okay! It has to be. I just can't do this (life) without her! I can't imagine going forward without her. She means so much to me. I am going to keep saying I know she will be fine, and I know the more we all say it and believe it, then it WILL be fine! It will be.

So that kind of consumed my week. I usually know things when someone I love is going through something. I usually feel anxiety and depression, and it doesn't seem to come from me. Meaning I don't really deal with my own depression and anxiety, my life is awesome. I don't have a thing to worry about or feel depressed about. But I'd say 98% of the time when I'm feeling anxiety or depression, someone I love is going through something. Then I sit and pay close attention, trying to figure out who it is and what it's about. If I can't, then I just work out harder to chase away the butterflies in my stomach and it usually helps. Then I do some meditating and visualizing myself pushing away those feelings. They don't do me any good, and if I can't pinpoint the reason then I don't want to feel them.
Sister was fine last I heard. The cyst was drained, tested, and they said all is fine. Sister is happy and in love with Troy, raising two beautiful boys, loving her two step daughters like they were her own, she is blissfully happy. I thought.
I had a rough couple of days on Monday and Tuesday, just grumbly grumpy and nothing seemed to go right. So on Wednesday I got the email from my sister saying that the test results from her cyst came back abnormal and it might be cancer. I now know that this is typical of my sister, downplaying her news to me rather than just spelling it out. God bless her. Her email had the subject - "Need a shoulder." And since Mom was out of town, and Troy was sleeping since he works at night, she needed me. The next email asked "When does Mom get back?" I just picked up the phone and called her number. She answered and I just said "talk to me." She started to cry. She said I have these two little boys! That is when I said "It's going to be okay."
It felt weird reversing roles in what we are to eachother. It felt amazing for me to be the strong one and reassuring her for a change. It felt awesome. I helped my sister feel better! I did for her what she's been doing for me my whole life. I am a good sister after all.

Well Thursday was waiting day, sister and I were both sure Mom and Shirley were coming back that day or that they'd returned the night before but they never did call. I started to worry. I had spent that morning chatting it up with sister, she was much stronger Thursday morning, then Thursday evening we chatted it up some more. I found the email Mom had sent saying they'd be back Friday, I said DERRRR I had the dates wrong. But we were relieved that nothing had happened to them. Then we chatted it up for an hour and a half, we laughed and giggled and talked eachothers ears off about everything under the sun. Even talked about childhood when I used to be the exhibitionist as a child, not unlike her oldest Gavan. I was laughing with tears at the stories of how Brandon and I used to jump on the bed and run all around with nothing on, while sister the proper one stood by and watched, giggling but not stooping to our level of being exhibitionists! We talked about cousin Brandon and how much we adore him. She said we always got along so well with Brandon, she said I don't remember not getting along with him, we never argued! I really don't remember arguing either, we always just had the best time with him. But it was just nice to have so much fun talking with my sister.

Friday Mom and Shirley did return and I went to take Sunny home at 2pm. They had just gotten in and sister obviously hadn't talked to Mom yet. I am terrible at hiding my feelings and terrible at pretending, terrible at lying. Heather wanted to be the one to tell Mom herself, so I had to keep quiet about it for now. But Mom knew something was up and I tried to play it off like I had a lousy week (that wasn't a lie!) and that I was feeling really depressed. But when they pushed the issue I said "I can't!" Shirley said don't do that to us, what's going on? And I said I can't say, please don't ask me! LOL Mom asked if I was pregnant, and I replied ever so quickly NOOOO! LOL but I just played it off like I was just feeling depressed and had a really bad week. Then I high tailed it out of there so they could both get some rest and overcome jet lag and wind down, etc. I called Heather when I got home and she said "you did good! I'll let them rest and call Mom tomorrow." So that was that. I still couldn't get the butterflies to go away, worrying how Mom would take it.

So Saturday we went to best friend's aunts house to swim for the day, and to forget for a little while. We had an amazing time with her and the kids, we splashed and played and laughed and just had a terrific time. We ordered pizza, I had a beer, and just let loose and enjoyed myself. It was just the best. The kids were having fun with Jim and he was sure paying for that later with stiff muscles. We got home at 9:40 that night and I'd missed two calls from Mom. She said she talked to Heather and was wanting to talk to me a little bit too. I called her back and she sounded okay with everything. I was kind of pleasantly surprised at how well she did sound. But she said she didn't think it's really hit her yet. She also said she feels good about things and that Heather is definitely going to be around for a very long time, just as I've felt. We are all optimistic for her and positive that all will be just fine! Mom does want to get together soon but Shirley caught a cold and we didn't want Jim to catch it. So we postponed our visit for another time.

So that's about it for my week. On Friday night I re-read the story Mom wrote about Heather, called "The Angel of Zilker Park." I don't have it on the computer though, I'd have to type it up myself. I thought maybe Mom had it on disc but I hate to bug her for it. It's really good and I'm going to type it up to share. But I warn you all, anyone who reads it, be prepared to cry. If you have any feeling in you at all, you will at least tear up if not feel like really crying. Mom is just amazing at writing and taking you with her through this whole experience. Or maybe it's because I just love my sister so much.

So there it is. I can't really say what I feel right now. Just that I want to grow old with my sister and be by eachothers side as we go through life. I can't imagine life without her, and I won't.

I don't blog here! But I have friends on here so I'm posting my links.

www.myspace.com/melodyanna
http://360.yahoo.com/sunshine_angel54
http://melodyanna121.livejournal.com/

Hope you can visit me there!

Well I'm still trying not to hate this thing. Seems it's not working...

I really hate this thing!

Today is definitely a brain fog day, I just cannot seem to get my mind going. I wanted to start writing again but every time I sit at my computer, I go blank. The most creative thing I've written lately was the walmart story and that was nothing. That was just practice.
Today has the look and feel of early spring - sixties, sunny, the birds are chirping and one of my tulips looks as if it is trying to come out of the ground. I have no idea what I'll do for my garden this year. I am afraid it will have to be bare or else I'll have to plant some .99cent seeds and just hope that they will grow into something pretty. The pansies I planted for the winter didn't fare too well, the winter was just too warm. The other flower bed has been taken over by young weeds, even if it did snow on them the other day.
The snow. I still cannot even believe that there WAS snow, as it was gone so incredibly fast. But I so enjoyed it for the few short hours it was with us. I had fun building snowmen. I love seeing all the families of the neighborhood out in the yards WITH their children, laughing, frolicking, throwing balls of snow, rolling snowmen parts, just being together. I just wish it would snow more often since it just brings so much happiness around here, unlike up North where it's been making people frown. I'll trade ya!
Well there I went blank again.
I had strange dreams last night, didn't make a lot of sense. Mema was in it and she understood what I was saying. We were going somewhere, a bunch of us. Some guy was drunk and sick but later on he liked me. He knew I was married, I didn't have to remind him I was married. I feel like I knew him, in real life, but from where?
I'm reading Sylvia Brown's book of dreams. You would think that reading about sleeping would help me sleep, but it has not.

I woke up at 7:45 thinking "nah, there's no way it snowed!" but as I looked out my bathroom window, I gasped at the glorious beautiful white world outside. Wow! It is just such a rare site that I am always so happily shocked at how beautiful the world can be when it is covered in a gorgeous blanket of white!
I woke Jim and he thought something was wrong, "what's wrong hon?" and I just pointed to the window, opened the blinds and we both were just in awe. We jumped up and dressed very quickly, went outside and have been playing in it ever since.
It's gorgeous!
But it's melting so incredibly fast. The temp is about 37-38 degrees here so it is melting. :(
BUT we made THREE snowmen, I made two snow angels, we had several snowball fights with eachother, with the dogs, my gosh the dogs just love it! They are beat, sleeping it off in their "room."
I know you all are probably sick of the white stuff, but this white stuff rarely makes its way here so this is a very rare thing. We haven't had snow like this in a couple of years, I think we at least got three inches here and more areas north of me.
What a GREAT Valentine's day gift!

There’s always an adventure at Walmart, and tonight was not any different. Being the day before Valentine’s day, of course it was a madhouse. Being a Friday night, double madhouse. But here in N. Texas when the news folks even mention the word snow/ice or winter storm advisory, the people just panic. Do they actually think we will get frozen in? The high tomorrow is 40, Sunday is 50, the roads will be fine! But everyone was driving all over, zig zagging all around the parking lot in a panic like they were expecting the next world war to happen right then and there. It’s so funny! LOL

The snow earlier was brief, then it drizzled for a bit and stayed above freezing. We needed to go get dogfood badly, since the dogs had emptied their bowls this morning and there was nothing left but crumbs in the bin. So we headed to good ol Walmart to pick up dogfood and a few things we might need. After battling the parking lot, which was a repeat of Christmas, we parked wayyyyy out toward the back and bundled up for the long hike to the store. No problem. But the parking lot vultures were hovering all around, waiting for that close-up spot to become free so they could get in and out quickly. The exhaust left me choking as we were walking faster than one truck was moving. Laughing the whole way, my winter coat that I finally got to wear wrapped around me snuggly, the hood covering my hair but also obstructing my vision so that I felt like that kid in A Christmas Story when his Mom had accidentally pulled his scarf and hat too far down over his eyes. I had to hold Jim’s arm so I wouldn’t bump into anything or anyone and he guided me to good ol Walmart.

Once inside, it was definitely Christmas all over again! They had Valentine’s stuff all along the main aisle in front of the registers. Balloons, cookie bouquets, teddy bears, even the lingerie was up at the front on an end cap like a last minute purchase. People everywhere, it was quite a crowd tonight. Still laughing we ventured forth and aimed for the pet section.

Passing by the main seasonal area, I said "Look at the Valentines People!" There were just masses of people hovering like more vultures, or more like moths around a porch light, looking for their Valentine gift for whomever. I felt glad that I didn’t have to battle that crowd, that aisle, for we had already bought some candy two weeks ago. As we were passing by I poked at a giant pink and red lizard, or was it a dinosaur, I have no idea! I jokingly said to Jim "You can buy me THIS for Valentine’s day!"

Hee hee. That thing was hideous. Scary too, LOL.

People everywhere, going this way, that way, all had this look of panic on their faces, their eyebrows creasing as if we were expecting "The Storm of the Century" right here in N. Texas. AS if! LOL

We grabbed a gallon of milk, some of those bargain brand dura-logs, a 2 liter bottle of Coke and one of Cherry 7-up, and got at the end of a very long line at the express lane. I asked if Jim wanted some of those cupcake-cookies, his whole face lit up and so I grabbed a package of those. What about cupcakes? His face lit up even more, so I grabbed a pack of those as well. They were all right there just for people like us, for those last minute purchases. I said "This is our Valentine’s gift to eachother." And he agreed.

We made our way to the car, I totally forgot how far back we were and it felt like we just kept walking, finally I said "Where did we park? Oh yea, wayyyyy out there! LOL"
Another parking lot battle with the zig zaggers just to leave, then another struggle to make it to the highway, to safety, to freedom! I was talking about something and mid sentence I said "I cannot wait to get out of this parking lot!" And we did it. Whew!

We made it home just in time for Joan of Arcadia at 7.

By 10 it began to snow again, we ran outside and I stood under it, letting the ice pieces hit me in the eye as I tried to catch them in my mouth. I felt like a kid, even if the stuff was melting as soon as it hit the ground. It’s just not something you see very often here in N. Texas: White stuff falling from the sky. I don’t care if it doesn’t stick, we finally got our winter!

Valentines is going to be just fine this year. With cupcakes and cupcake cookies, snowfall and fake fire logs, we are definitely set, with no plans of going back to Walmart.

(At least until Sunday.)

02/13/04
12:11pm
Well I am giving the blog thing a try, since I love to ramble about my day and my life.
Today is cold for N. Texas and they are predicting snow tonight and tomorrow! I'm excited! Even though it won't stick as the high tomorrow is 40. :(
I barely slept last night, money woes and life running through my head, it was after 4am by the time I finally fell asleep, and then I was up again at 6, then 9. I can blame the Allegra-D's but I only take one a day now so that they won't give me insomnia.
No big valentine's day plans for Jim and I, we are so broke right now it's not even funny. We will probably do what we do every weekend, stay in and watch tv. Woopee! LOL
Well that's about it for now.